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Entry tags:
obligitory emo journal
I dont think I have ever felt this detatched from the majority my friends in a long time.
People I was close to seem to only talk to me because they are obliged to, and treat it like a chore rather than because they want to actually talk to me. Am I the only one who thinks this is upsetting? This is probably being my brain being all paranoid and schitzo, but ngh, I don't know. I've lost so many close friends in the past couple of weeks, and I really dont like it. Never have.
Fuck why does this always happen to me?
The fact that I am moving away for university too, meaning I will be cut off from everyone who I can visit will make it 10 times worse. I have to see them at least once a month. And on a student budget, thats really not happening. Nrh. If I wasn't so.. needy, this wouldn't be a problem.
I think the realisation that I probably will never get to meet any of the people I care about stateside is finally hitting me. I can't go over, I'm poor, I have no money. I really want to go, but if I do I wont be able to put down a deposit on my dorms, get internet acess, actually eat and shit. it was such a pipedream. I really wanted it to work. But hey, nothing ever turns out for the best for me.
Nrhhh. I should just go back to bed. But then again, been doing that for the past four days, and nothing is helping.
People I was close to seem to only talk to me because they are obliged to, and treat it like a chore rather than because they want to actually talk to me. Am I the only one who thinks this is upsetting? This is probably being my brain being all paranoid and schitzo, but ngh, I don't know. I've lost so many close friends in the past couple of weeks, and I really dont like it. Never have.
Fuck why does this always happen to me?
The fact that I am moving away for university too, meaning I will be cut off from everyone who I can visit will make it 10 times worse. I have to see them at least once a month. And on a student budget, thats really not happening. Nrh. If I wasn't so.. needy, this wouldn't be a problem.
I think the realisation that I probably will never get to meet any of the people I care about stateside is finally hitting me. I can't go over, I'm poor, I have no money. I really want to go, but if I do I wont be able to put down a deposit on my dorms, get internet acess, actually eat and shit. it was such a pipedream. I really wanted it to work. But hey, nothing ever turns out for the best for me.
Nrhhh. I should just go back to bed. But then again, been doing that for the past four days, and nothing is helping.
no subject
If you tell yourself these things won't happen, then they won't happen. Gatty and I might well end up unable to afford the trip we want to make next summer but we're not thinking about the possibility we might not, because there's no point being down about it if it turns out we can't and trying to save up for it won't work if we're miserable about it the whole time.
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Twin! Guess what? You're awesome. When you go to uni, you're going to make billions of new friends and stuff. And wanting to be near your friends? That's not needy, that's normal. It means you care about your friends, and pura bb, they care about you too. We all love you to pieces AND WE LOVE YOU BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.
(And as soon as I've finished this stupid high school thing, I'm coming to visit you which will be fun and awesome)
no subject
no subject
If I ever feel obligated to talk to someone, I don't. Plain and simple. I can't even talk to people I want to talk to out of a fear that I'm bothering them or they don't like me anymore, so I certainly wouldn't be able to manage if I had no self-interest in it. I know we don't talk much - and that's my fault for being a coward - but I still consider you a really good friend and love you and want to talk to you just as much as my other friend.